Sunday, October 30, 2005
Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band: Fancy dress malarky
Next weekend, me and three others are attending a pop star fancy dress birthday party. My idea to go as the Beatles, circa Sgt Peppers won, so we get to wear bright military costumes and fetching mustaches, and i think we will likely butcher Beatles classics on the karaoke. I can't sing (FORCED to mime at Primary school) and i feel sorry for anyone who likes the Beatles who is there. I feel bad about ruining the Beatles back catalogue, apologies. Maybe i can hide when we have to sing.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Barbara Streisand: "Help me, I'm being mauled by a Lion!"
The look of fear, the nervous smile, the discomfort, as the Lion closes in on its prey.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
"Books on Naturism, please"
In Waterstones last Thursday (the most uninspiring book shop, makes me not want to buy books) standing by the upstairs till, scanning the shelf’s for books I wasn’t going to buy. Up trundles a man with a squeaky voice, sure sign of an eccentric or loon. He asks for books on naturism. I did a mental double take, maybe he said nature, but no, he wants books about people swanning around in their unshaven naked glory, or gory more likely.
I was looking at the shelf trying to not let my lips crack into laughter. I admired the assistant’s professionalism. He didn’t even smile, a straight face throughout, even when reading out titles such as; “Naturism and the family” and “Naturist photography”, both out of print apparently, and for him unfortunately.
So the man who likes communal nakedness left the shop disappointed. I looked to the assistant for some acknowledgement of the humouress nature(ism) (sorry) of the situation. No, not even a smile. What professionalism.
I was looking at the shelf trying to not let my lips crack into laughter. I admired the assistant’s professionalism. He didn’t even smile, a straight face throughout, even when reading out titles such as; “Naturism and the family” and “Naturist photography”, both out of print apparently, and for him unfortunately.
So the man who likes communal nakedness left the shop disappointed. I looked to the assistant for some acknowledgement of the humouress nature(ism) (sorry) of the situation. No, not even a smile. What professionalism.
Maybe naturism isn’t funny and I am incredibly unenlightened, immature, and jealous of their uninhibited nature(ism). (Again..)
Sunday, October 16, 2005
More reasons not to smoke.....
...because a lit cigarette is carried at the height of a child's face. I presume the helicopter is there for the purposes of scale, obviously.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
Shakespeare Insults
Click the Wizard man to change Insult. Here are a few choice samples:
"Hence rotten thing! Or I shall shake thy bones out of thy garments."
"You show yourself highly fed and lowly taught."
"Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee."
"Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes."
"[Thou] appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours."
Click the Wizard man to change Insult. Here are a few choice samples:
"Hence rotten thing! Or I shall shake thy bones out of thy garments."
"You show yourself highly fed and lowly taught."
"Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee."
"Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes."
"[Thou] appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours."
Friday, October 07, 2005
Berlin Wall Graffiti
The Berlin Wall. One good thing about it was its Graffiti. They were a bit more creative than writing such things as "cock" "Steve is Gay 4Ever" "Up the Reds" etc. Urchins could learn from these pictures, and put to use their pent up frustration in a more meaningful way.
Brezhnev and Honecker having a snog. Aww, bless.
Brezhnev and Honecker having a snog. Aww, bless.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Peeling an Orange with Kate Bush and Peter Gabriel
Difficult Orange. I try and peel it, not easily done. It's rock hard and as i think of contemptuosly launching it into a bin, "Don't give up" by Kate Bush & Peter Gabriel enters my head. This spurs me on to peel it, to not give up, i couldn't now. I took a knife to it and plunged in. The pith was thick, like London Smog, back when it was like that, in the old days. Or like the boy at the back of the class at school, throwing things. My dextrous fingers attempted to
remove this white and orange encasing from the reward within...
I still gave up though. It made the bin smell nice.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Literary Philanthropy
This Illiterate Brazilian's Home Speaks Volumes
By Henry Chu Times Staff Writer Sun Oct 2
SAO GONCALO, Brazil — Carlos Leite can barely read a word, but books revolutionized his life.
Two years ago, he was doing construction work for a man who was about to toss out six thick, red encyclopedias. Leite asked whether he could have them instead. Thus a dream was born.
Within days, he hit the pavement, knocking on doors, begging people for more unwanted books. No contribution was too small, too big or too arcane. Skeptical members of Leite's cycling club were dragooned into helping him collect donations.
His collection quickly multiplied. The original six volumes turned into 100, then 1,000. Soon, his humble home was bursting with 5,000 books of all types — worn classics, chemistry textbooks, dog-eared thrillers.
To Leite, though, nearly all the books are mysteries. Born into a poor family, he dropped out of school after third grade and, at 51, is practically illiterate.
But books, he knows, are the gateway to a life of greater possibility and more promise than his own. It might be too late for me, a working man, he reasoned, but not for others.
So bloomed the passion that has consumed Leite's free time over the last two years: transforming his home into a public library, free and open to all in this poverty-stricken neighborhood outside Rio de Janeiro. The streets here are unpaved and unweeded, daily life is a struggle and even a single book is an enormous luxury that can cost up to half a week's wages.
Read it all. It makes a change from the usual misery.
By Henry Chu Times Staff Writer Sun Oct 2
SAO GONCALO, Brazil — Carlos Leite can barely read a word, but books revolutionized his life.
Two years ago, he was doing construction work for a man who was about to toss out six thick, red encyclopedias. Leite asked whether he could have them instead. Thus a dream was born.
Within days, he hit the pavement, knocking on doors, begging people for more unwanted books. No contribution was too small, too big or too arcane. Skeptical members of Leite's cycling club were dragooned into helping him collect donations.
His collection quickly multiplied. The original six volumes turned into 100, then 1,000. Soon, his humble home was bursting with 5,000 books of all types — worn classics, chemistry textbooks, dog-eared thrillers.
To Leite, though, nearly all the books are mysteries. Born into a poor family, he dropped out of school after third grade and, at 51, is practically illiterate.
But books, he knows, are the gateway to a life of greater possibility and more promise than his own. It might be too late for me, a working man, he reasoned, but not for others.
So bloomed the passion that has consumed Leite's free time over the last two years: transforming his home into a public library, free and open to all in this poverty-stricken neighborhood outside Rio de Janeiro. The streets here are unpaved and unweeded, daily life is a struggle and even a single book is an enormous luxury that can cost up to half a week's wages.
Read it all. It makes a change from the usual misery.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Male of the species holding the Sun
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Tale of the curse: "Make him stop harming Peter"
A barmy story from the world of Peter Mandelson. This one wasn't given enough currency at the time, and is perhaps forgotten. Politics is a poorer place without the likes of Whelan, and you could always rely on Mandy for some laughs, usually at his expense, like this moustache:
Wizard curse? I've had spell of good luck, says Whelan
By David Graves 26/03/2001 Daily Telegraph
For a man who had been cursed by a witch doctor's spell, Charlie Whelan was in remarkably good spirits yesterday.
"I'm enjoying my life and everything is going very well, thank you very much. Maybe he needs a new voodoo doctor," said the former Labour spin doctor of his arch rival, Peter Mandelson, after reports that a friend of the former Northern Ireland Secretary had apparently sought the assistance of a Brazilian wizard to cast a spell on him.
Mr Whelan, who quit as Gordon Brown's press secretary 14 months ago said "It doesn't seem to have worked. Since the spell was apparently cast, I've got a football column with The Telegraph, a column in the New Statesman and my Sunday show on Radio 5 Live. I've been nominated for an award by the Royal Television Society and for two Sony awards." The Tottenham Hotspur supporting journalist and broadcaster said: "To cap it all Spurs are in the FA Cup semi final and George Graham has been sacked. I could not ask for much more than that."
Mr Whelan said that he had been as surprised as "most other people" when he read in the Mail on Sunday about the correspondence between Mr Mandelson's close friend, Reinaldo Avila da Silva, and Jose Lima da Silva, 33, a witch doctor and priest in the Candomble cult, a mystical Brazilian sect that worships African gods. Mr da Silva wrote to his namesake enclosing a newspaper photograph of Mr Whelan, and asked the priest to stop him "doing bad things to harm the political career of my friend Peter".
Bizarrely, eight days after the letter was sent, Mr Mandelson was restored to the Cabinet as Northern Ireland Secretary in October, 1999. Since then, of course, he has quit the Government for a second time and Mr Whelan's media career has continued to blossom. The witch doctor, nicknamed "Zezinho", said that on October 3, 1999, Mr da Silva wrote to him enclosing Mr Whelan's photograph.
An attached letter said: "Zezinho, I write to you to ask a favour, if you can make this person who is in the photo in the piece from the newspaper stop doing bad things to harm the political career of my friend Peter? The name of this bad person is Charlie Whelan, because he is always trying to harm Peter."
He said that he did not want the priest to go overboard with any black arts, but added: "I am not asking you to do anything bad with him but let him disappear from politics. Perhaps he could go to another country and not have contact with England ever again." The letter, which was in Portuguese, concluded with a greeting in English - apparently in Mr Mandelson's distinctive handwriting - which said: "Very best wishes from your English friend, Peter."
The priest said he lit candles and placed them with roses and white corn over the letter for three days as "an offering to the gods to help Peter achieve his objective". Soon afterwards, Mr Mandelson was restored to the Cabinet and Mr da Silva's mother later took a necklace and perfume to the witch doctor as an offering, saying they were gifts from the politician.
By David Graves 26/03/2001 Daily Telegraph
For a man who had been cursed by a witch doctor's spell, Charlie Whelan was in remarkably good spirits yesterday.
"I'm enjoying my life and everything is going very well, thank you very much. Maybe he needs a new voodoo doctor," said the former Labour spin doctor of his arch rival, Peter Mandelson, after reports that a friend of the former Northern Ireland Secretary had apparently sought the assistance of a Brazilian wizard to cast a spell on him.
Mr Whelan, who quit as Gordon Brown's press secretary 14 months ago said "It doesn't seem to have worked. Since the spell was apparently cast, I've got a football column with The Telegraph, a column in the New Statesman and my Sunday show on Radio 5 Live. I've been nominated for an award by the Royal Television Society and for two Sony awards." The Tottenham Hotspur supporting journalist and broadcaster said: "To cap it all Spurs are in the FA Cup semi final and George Graham has been sacked. I could not ask for much more than that."
Mr Whelan said that he had been as surprised as "most other people" when he read in the Mail on Sunday about the correspondence between Mr Mandelson's close friend, Reinaldo Avila da Silva, and Jose Lima da Silva, 33, a witch doctor and priest in the Candomble cult, a mystical Brazilian sect that worships African gods. Mr da Silva wrote to his namesake enclosing a newspaper photograph of Mr Whelan, and asked the priest to stop him "doing bad things to harm the political career of my friend Peter".
Bizarrely, eight days after the letter was sent, Mr Mandelson was restored to the Cabinet as Northern Ireland Secretary in October, 1999. Since then, of course, he has quit the Government for a second time and Mr Whelan's media career has continued to blossom. The witch doctor, nicknamed "Zezinho", said that on October 3, 1999, Mr da Silva wrote to him enclosing Mr Whelan's photograph.
An attached letter said: "Zezinho, I write to you to ask a favour, if you can make this person who is in the photo in the piece from the newspaper stop doing bad things to harm the political career of my friend Peter? The name of this bad person is Charlie Whelan, because he is always trying to harm Peter."
He said that he did not want the priest to go overboard with any black arts, but added: "I am not asking you to do anything bad with him but let him disappear from politics. Perhaps he could go to another country and not have contact with England ever again." The letter, which was in Portuguese, concluded with a greeting in English - apparently in Mr Mandelson's distinctive handwriting - which said: "Very best wishes from your English friend, Peter."
The priest said he lit candles and placed them with roses and white corn over the letter for three days as "an offering to the gods to help Peter achieve his objective". Soon afterwards, Mr Mandelson was restored to the Cabinet and Mr da Silva's mother later took a necklace and perfume to the witch doctor as an offering, saying they were gifts from the politician.
